[LifeAftr] application

[yourattention]

player information

Name: r(eili)
Age: Yes!
Contact: flyingthesky+#0332 for discord
Current characters: n/a

character information

Name: Connor Murphy
Series: Dear Evan Hansen
Appearance: Exactly like someone who shops at Hot Topic, complete with chipped black nail polish.
Age: 18.
Canon Point: After death.

Canon History:
DEAR EVAN HANSEN DEALS WITH THE SUBJECT OF (CONNOR'S) SUICIDE AND EVERYTHING FOLLOWING THIS NOTICE IS ABOUT THAT.
(additional content warning for child neglect/abuse)
You can read a summary of Dear Evan Hansen here. It's useless because Connor Murphy is the driving force behind Dear Evan Hansen, but Connor Murphy is a ghost.


For most of the play, Connor Murphy is dead and we only see him through other people's eyes. He's the kid that threw a printer at a teacher, he's the son who used to tell jokes but hasn't laughed in years, he's the brother who's never in his life been nice.

This is what we know for sure, with a few headcanons thrown in: Connor has suffered from some kind of mental illness (I headcanon Bipolar II) his entire life. He threw a printer at a teacher in 2nd grade, which means he's been dealing with mood issues since he was rather young. At one point he was attending therapy (but possibly not medicated). By the start of the show, however, he is no longer doing so because his father thought it was a waste of money.

His family must have been relatively happy at one point because they speak really fondly of going to the apple orchard and having picnics. Connor's father was more involved in the family then, and Connor himself had a much better relationship with his sister even though he canonically had no friends when he was younger. He also used to be more involved in school, working with Alana on a school project in middle school instead of blowing her off as he would have done when we first see him in the musical. He played Little League at some point - the confirmation of this comes from a cut song, but it fits in with the fact that his dad gave him a baseball glove and his dad's insistence on trying to avoid the issue of his mental illness, so I generally keep it.

At some point, Connor's relationship with his dad soured because he discarded the baseball glove his dad got him without even a cursory attempt at using it. Additionally, it's mentioned that Connor's dad read his emails and feels zero fucking remorse about it which about sums up Connor's dad as a person.

Overall his family is extremely unsupportive of his mental illness, both his dad and his sister viewing Connor as a lost cause, and he's probably been on a massive downward spiral for a while before he finally commits suicide. He's canonically threatened to kill himself at least once before and was brushed off by his father as "seeking attention." When we first see Connor, his mother is telling him he can't miss the first day of school to which he says "I already said I'd go tomorrow." and he's high as a kite.

Connor does go to school, though, where he proceeds to push Evan, lashing out at an innocent person for something someone else said. He later apologizes for his actions and signs Evan's cast in a gesture of reconciliation. Then, after pulling Evan's letter to himself off the printer, is going to hand it to him before he catches sight of his sister's name and has a panic attack.

. . . Three days later, he commits suicide in a park by stealing painkillers from the medicine cabinet (and probably washing them down with alcohol). Every time Connor appears after that point, he's a fictionalized version conjured by Evan so. It's not really relevant.

(Except maybe Disappear and I am fully fucking willing to state that Connor is probably also a fictionalized version conjured by Evan. I'll come back to this song in the next section.)

Canon Personality:
Worn military surplus jacket. Chipped black nail polish. Long, unkept hair. The impression one might get of Connor Murphy is that of a loner who shouldn't be messed with and it's true, to a certain extent. He can be rude, prone to paranoia, and occasionally violent, but it's at least partially a defense mechanism. Rather than allow people to let him down, Connor continually attempts to push them away.

Suffering from canonical depression, I play him with Bipolar II Disorder. He suffers from major depressive episodes and occasional hypomanic ones but never manages to reach mania. This also causes his suicidal tendencies. Additionally, he has some form of anxiety like Evan, although Connor suffers from panic attacks ("freaking out," as he calls it) rather than Evan's intense social anxiety.

The only time we see him on stage, real and alive, Connor is a sullen, paranoid stoner. He lashes out often, particularly when he's in the middle of a panic attack, and seems to be trying to self-medicate with the weed he takes because there are genuine hints that Connor wants to be a better person. He apologizes to Evan of his own free will, for example, and offers to sign his cast - signing it even after Evan says he doesn't have to.

This aspect of his personality is evident in his nails: they're always painted black in the show, which says he cares about his appearance enough to paint his nails, but the polish is always chipped - like he can't muster up the effort to keep them looking nice, even though he cared about it enough to paint them in the first place. That's kind of the summation of Connor, though, he's good when he's in a hypomanic episode but horrid when he's in a depressive one.

All of this starkly contrasts with the fictional Connor we see later on in Sincerely Me. In that song, Connor isn't depressed and suffering from mental illness. Rather, he's just in need of a slight personality adjustment and the victim of circumstances. Which brings us back to Disappear: even though this is also of a fictional Connor, he displays a vulnerability and depth that he doesn't earlier on.

The song builds directly on lines about Connor earlier on, about his dad not crying at his funeral and feeling disappointment in his son for not "accomplishing" anything, and reinforces the idea that even though Connor wasn't the greatest person he deserves to be remembered. For the most part, Connor's spent his whole life being failed by the people around him - they're disappointed in him, they make fun of him, they actively don't help him - and so really all he wants is for "somebody to find [him]."

For all that Connor wants to be a better person, life has taught him that no matter how much he tries he'll still be the kid who threw a printer at a teacher in 2nd grade. Even if it's not technically true, Connor genuinely feels like nobody cares about him and nothing is worth the effort of trying to become better - after all, he was on the road to actually becoming better at one point in therapy and then his dad said it (and therefore Connor) wasn't worth the money.

In some respects, the Connor that's coming into the game is a Connor that knows things could be better, that he could be better, but can't manage to break out of his current cycle without a support network. And also probably medication.

Personality Shifts: N/A

Abilities: He doesn't have any!

Inventory:

• Bag: A beat-up army bag that can be converted into a backpack or a messenger bag. It's ostensibly to hold school supplies but realistically that's not what he keeps in there.
• Evan's Letter: A letter addressed to "Evan Hansen." It's the plot device letter. (Transcript.)
• Weed: The smoking kind.
• iPod: What respectable emo kid would be caught without one?
• iPhone: Not that anyone ever calls him.
• Black Nail Polish: Roughly half full.
• School Stuff: (4) black ballpoint pens, (1) college-ruled notebook that mostly contains drawings, (4) #2 pencils, (1) package of index cards, (2) highlighters

sample

If you could erase your worst memory, would you do it if it also meant erasing your best memory?

They're the same memory. [It's not quite true, but it's true enough that he doesn't feel bad saying it.] It doesn't matter either way.

What would you say is your best quality?

My charming personality.

[It's said in a flat monotone, so it's slightly unclear whether or not he's kidding.]

Have you ever disappointed yourself?

You can't disappoint yourself if you keep your expectations low. [Connor picks at the polish on his nails.] And my expectations of myself are so low that even I can meet them.

Do you prefer spending time with many people, a few friends, or by yourself?

. . . Are you joking? [Connor tenses, obviously angry, but then he looks away.] I don't have any friends, so I couldn't hang out with a "few" friends even if I wanted to.

What’s your idea of a perfect day?

Picture this: you're not asking me questions. Jennifer Lawrence is sucking my dick while Pink Floyd is playing in the background. Miraculously, I'm ruler of Hell and she's just one of many women in my harem who all fight over the chance to spend the night with me. [This is all said in a bored voice. ] When I wake up from that dream, it's because someone's calling my phone.

"Connor," the person on the other end says, "your parents are dead!" I laugh because that's all I've ever wanted in life. Everything is marginally okay.

Describe a fond memory you have.

[Connor's quiet for a long, long moment and it almost looks like he's going to refuse to answer but then:]

My family used to go to this apple orchard every year to pick apples. Zoe - my sister - she. We would race to see who could fill a basket the fastest and she would cry if she didn't win, so . . . I used to let her. I don't. I don't know why I stopped being nice to her.

Would you say that, overall, you are a decent person?

No.

[There's no hesitance in his answer. He says it like it's a simple fact that requires no elaboration.]